2013, so far

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TRIGGER WARNING: depression, suicide, self-harm, university and student loan bullshit, anxiety

This has not been a good year.

I’m not wallowing in drama; I’m stating a fact. This year started out with a week of depression, anxiety attacks, and severe suicidal thoughts. It’s gotten a bit better, but I’ve still be battling the mother of all depressive episodes for the past 3 weeks.

I’ve wanted to cut again. I’ve thought about taking up smoking. I’ve pictured hanging myself or blowing my brains out. I’ve even considered od’ing on my antidepressants, which I haven’t been able to take since December because my body suddenly decided to add them to the food allergies list that is mercurial and ever growing larger.

I have no idea what od’ing on zoloft might do, but I considered it, because honestly the results seemed better than dealing with the shit that’s been going down this month.

And all this, mind you, is after my brush with death that made me realize I wanted, truly, very desperately wanted, to live.

January 1st I went 500 dollars into the red, because Student Loans took money out of my account. No warning. Two days later, I get a note from VIU: I’m not graduating at the end of January, because I’m missing 6 credits.

Did they tell me this six fucking months ago when I applied to graduate? No. They wait until 2 days into the new year. A few weeks before convocation.

This, of course, means that I can no longer go to SFU this semester, after I’ve already worked so hard to get accepted. They were accepting me based on me receiving my degree from VIU this month. Without that, I am no longer enrolled; if I want to enroll not as a second bachelors’ student, but as a transfer student, I can do that — for Fall 2013. After going through the registration process again.

And this — this suddenly blowing in the wind, not being a student when I was supposed to be — this of course now means that I cannot have my loans or interest-free status this semester. So what my immediate course of action was going to be — finishing my application for Student Loans for this semester — to resolve the money issue can no longer happen.

I called Student Loans this morning about my issue. Basically, it is sort of fixable — I have to fill out a bunch of forms in triplicate proving I’m as poor as I say I am, and then I’ll probably qualify for reduced payments, perhaps even to zero. I’ll know within 4 days of sending back the form, which should arrive by the end of this week? Possibly?

I also discovered that the reason Student Loans was under the impression that I owed them money as of November was because VIU told them I withdrew from courses as of April. Which I didn’t. I withdrew from courses in June, when I was informed that I didn’t need the other two courses I was enrolled in that summer.

At any rate, I was supposed to be starting classes again this month — so really, there should only have been 2 weeks in the period of ok, you’ve been out of class long enough, pay up.

The too long; didn’t read version of all this? My life is fucking shambles and right now I am very seriously questioning whether I want my degree from VIU at all. VIU is a school that has repeatedly proven it cares little to nothing about its students. They have completely screwed me in the past year — TWICE now — and their lack of communication skills is LEGENDARY.

I have been tearing my hair out for weeks; studiously trying to solve my problems via avoidance and escapism because my brain cannot deal with the level of suckage going on without going into complete shut-down, depressive/suicidal episode mode; sleeping far too much or far too little as my body goes into emergency coping mode. I am wandering, an errant leaf on the wind, wondering what the fuck am I going to do with my life now?

I’ve now been working at my first degree, my first, four-year, Bachelor’s Degree, for 10 years. A decade of my life that I’m not getting back. And furthermore, most of the credits for my degree at VIU are non-transferable.

So now I face the question: do I suck it up, move back to Nanaimo in summer time (which means, inevitably, living out of my car and being basically homeless for four months, and this is what I was facing at the beginning of this month, for this semester) and do these last two courses (when I’m not even 100% sure that they’ll be offered this summer, or that I can get any funding)? Or do I say fuck it, transfer what can be transferred to SFU, and start from scratch?

Alternatively, I suddenly sell millions of copies of my book/win the lotto and quit school forever.

Wherein Katje rattles about in uncertainty and possibly some despair, though mostly just numbness at this point, for the rest of zir life.

I suppose, however, I can count my blessings — at least this huge fucking fiasco, this shambles that is my life, has given me plot bunnies for new stories. “Hooray,” zie said exactly as Archer would.

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