Recently I posted about how my life has pretty much gone down the tubes since the start of the year.
Dealing with things like that — with events that shatter your world — can lock your body and brain into survival mode.
In survival mode, there’s no philosophy. There’s no art, no music-making, no creativity. There’s just now. Just this moment, this breath, this movement of one foot in front of the other. I couldn’t even think about food until hunger stared me in the face.
All I could do was focus on breathing, because if I didn’t I knew I would stop.
High levels of anxiety send you into a fight or flight mode, and I was trapped between the two. Survival mode. Deer in headlights mode. Frozen mode. (A la mode?) I couldn’t think about what had happened; couldn’t think my way out; couldn’t come up with a solution. Could barely clean the house before mom came home.
And then mom did come home, and her presence started to ease survival mode.
She didn’t fix everything for me. Those days are long gone. But she did cook for me, and did help me find ways to fix my problems. I was able to take a few steps towards recovering my entire year.
And I slowly began the climb out of the pit I was in; out of survival mode. I started thinking good thoughts again.
Not 100% there yet. It’s not a perfect world; I’m not a perfect person.
But I am on my way.
I’ve been able to write and actually have a hope, now, of reaching my deadline of January 31st to finish Stranger Skies. I’ve also come up with some projects I want to accomplish for 2013, which I’ll be detailing in future posts.
Regarding school, it turns out there are only 3 credits I’m missing, and I may be able to complete them in time for a June graduation and admission to SFU in fall. Cross your fingers that I can do this, because I don’t think I can handle much longer being out of school. I want to go to SFU and soon.
Overall, things are definitely getting better. Life is looking up, and I’m determined to look up with it.